How It Happened & Disclosing

Warning: This story includes sensitive themes, abortion, intimate partner violence, sexual assault, and intentional STI transmission. It explores difficult truths of trauma, disclosure, and healing. Please read softly, pause when needed, and protect your peace. Approach this story with compassion for yourself and for others.

My stomach is in shambles. My nerves are shot. My anxiety at an all time high but I have to do this.

"Hey kitten. What's up? What wrong?"

Sir, I need you to sit down. I have something that I need to say to you. And I need you to let me finish before you do or say anything please. A tear slips out and trails down the right side of my face. I feel sick. I'm struggling to not burst out in tears.

"Kitten, you are scaring me. What's going on? Tell me."

"I-I'm sorry Sir. Please." I beg.

He looks at me and sees the seriousness on my face. The concern and fear in my eyes.

He says okay and sits in the chair directly across from me.

I take a slow deep breath and begin. "When I was 21, I started dating this guy Snake. I thought I was in love. I thought I was loved. I thought I was safe." I chuckled and said, "Hindsight being 20/20, I was so stupid."

Sir starts to say something, but stops when I glare at him.

I continue, "Snake and I were like rabbits. Always having sex. He never wanted to use a condom and despite me begging, always nutted deep inside me. But it only took the first time we ever had sex to do it. After about 2 months I noticed that I still hadn't gotten my period. I was so scared but I went to the nearest Rite Aid one day when I was coming home from work determined to find out if...if I was pregnant. I remember that I was so afraid to look, I almost didn't go back to get the results, but when I did, they came back positive. I was 12 weeks. I had missed three periods. I was in shock. I was frozen. Then I started to panick. Snake and I had only been dating for 2 months. I didn't really want to be with him long term. I just came back to New York after completing undergrad. I had started grad school in August. I had plans. I had dreams. Snake....snake was either going to end up dead or in jail. Reality slapped me in my face. Snake was a street dude with no desire to be or do anything else. He even already had kids. I guess you could say he was a good father but how good of a parent can you be if you wake up and daily choose to do something....choose to be someone that will get you taken away from your kids at some point." I sigh and start pacing.

Sir looks like he wants to jump out of his chair and stop me. He wants to hold me. But he doesn't move. He is sitting there, listening to me.

I continue. "I told my older sister first and she asked me what did I want to do. I started crying. I just started a new job. It was supposed to just maintain me while I finished grad school. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a baby. And Snake, I wasn't going to tell him but my mother convinced me to. She said he had a right to be involved with my decision. My decision...which would be to abort the pregnancy. I was in no position to care for a child and I didn't want Snake for a father to my child. I couldn't do that to my child. Any child...any child of mine deserved responsible parents who would be there for them no matter what. Who would provide for them and never let them go without. I wasn't in the position to do that alone and although he tried, I saw the life that his kids had. They had a good relationship but they barely saw him. He was always in the streets chasing the next dollar." Tears were now freely falling from my eyes.

"My sister and my best friend went with me. I didn't cry in the car. I was strong. They led me to the back and helped me change from my clothes into hospital gown. They left me alone waiting. Waiting and I had a moment of doubt. I called Snake, desperately wanting him to answer and tell me not to do it. That we'd figure it out. That he would chane for me and our baby. But he didn't answer. I broke down crying."

"After a few minutes the nurse came and told me they were ready. She handed me a cup of water. She led me into a small room and told me to lay on the table. She put this sheet over me. My sister and my best friend were outside waiting. I laid there for what felt like an eternity. I was scared. Then this other woman came in. I couldn't see her face. The sheet was in the way and I was grateful for it. I was scared. Then the next thing I knew she had stuck the needle into my arm and told me to count backwards from 10. She gave me a few seconds. Then I couldn't keep counting and then nothing. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a chair back in the post op area. My sister and my best friend were still there. When they asked how I was feeling, the nurse answered for me. She said that everything went well and the procedure was completed. Then she handed me a bag with medication, a tube of cream, and other items to help me. The doctor came in and talked to me. He explained the instructions. My sister and best friend helped me get dressed and walked me out when I was ready to go."

I was numb as they took me home. Tears flowed freely down my eyes. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt like a failure. As soon as we got into the house, my best friend took me straight to the bathroom. She turned the shower on and helped me undress. When I was naked, she guided me to the tub. I don't know how long she bathed me, washed my hair, and then helped me dry off and get into bed. I curled into a fetal position slowly. She sat with me, rubbing my back until I fell asleep.

When I woke, I immediately checked my phone to see if Snake had called. He hadn't. I signed into my social media just to see that he was out with his friends getting drunk. He didn't miss me. He didn't even ask about me. Not a text, not a call. Nothing. I put the phone down and cried even harder. I cried myself back to sleep. Later that night, my phone started to ring. It was Snake. I answered and said hello. He was slurring his words but said he was downstairs and to let him in. He had missed me. He had to see me. I wanted him to come. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to take the pain away. But the rational side of me, the side of me that had been hurt enough, said no. It didn't take much to convince myself.

Snake doesn't take no for answers though. He started banging on the door and screaming my name. He was causing a scene. My neighbors started opening their doors. My sister came and told him to leave or she was calling the police. He told her to go fuck herself and that he wasn't leaving until he saw me. I got out of bed, grabbed my phone and opened the front door. When he saw me, he came inside and started apologizing, telling me he had made a mistake and how much he had missed me. I let him inside and we went to bed. He kissed my lips and pulled me close to him. I was hurting. I had just had the most traumatic experience in my life and he wanted to fuck. I pushed him away and said I was tired and that I couldn't because of the procedure. He laid back closing his eyes and whispered, "I can't believe you killed our baby."

The words cut me like a knife. I couldn't speak. I didn't have a response. He was right. It destroyed me. The next 14 days passed by like a blur. It was the same routine. I stayed locked in my bedroom crying during the days. Barely functioning. I went to work. I came home. I barely ate. Every night, Snake showed up drunk. Just to pass out next to me telling me repeatedly that I killed our baby. He was so heartless. So hateful. So cruel. And yet, I wanted him. I wanted his comfort. I wanted him to make me feel whole again. To tell me that it was going to be okay. But he didn't.

2 weeks had passed and it was time for my follow-up appointment to make sure that I was healing properly. When I arrived, they led me straight back. The nurse took my vitals and then brought me a hospital gown. She instructed me to strip completely, and told me the doctor would be in shortly. After about 5 minutes, he knocked and entered the room. He did a thorough exam. He took vaginal samples and did a full blood workup. I figured since I was there and I was due for my annual pap smear then I could get it done at the same time. The doctor looked concerned as he did his exam and took his samples. When he was done, he said, "The results should be back in 1-3 days."

I didn't understand why he needed to take a sample but I didn't think anything of it. 3 days later I got a phone call from one of the nurses asking if I could come in. When I got there, they asked me to sign some forms. I did and was then led into the back. My gut was telling me that something was wrong. Very wrong. The doctor looked at me with such sympathy in his eyes and motioned for me to sit down and said, "Please sit down."

I shook my head no. I needed to stand.

"Ok, the tests results are back."

"O-Okay. What did they say? Am I okay?"

"Well, yes and no. You have a STI."

My jaw dropped.

"I-I'm sorry. Can you say that again? I'm a what?!"

"You have Herpes"

A chill ran down my spine. I was shocked.

"But how, I mean...no. No. You must have mistaken my results for someone else. This has to be a mistake. I can't have an STI. This can't be right. I only have sex with my boyfriend. Check again. You must have gotten my results mixed up with someone else's."

The doctor didn't look convinced.

"Are you sure this is my results?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes, your name is at the top of the sheet. Look."

And it was.

"As you know, herpes can't be cured but it's not the end of the world. There are treatments. Diets. You can manage it and still have a happy, healthy, normal life. Just be smart and safe. " The doctor continued to talk about the things I would need to do to reduce the risk of transmission and of outbreaks. Tears flowed. I didn't understand. I didn't cheat. I wasn't sleeping around with multiple people. I had 1 boyfriend. 1 person who was supposed to be faithful to me. Who was supposed to protect me. And he had hurt me and wounded me beyond what anyone else would ever be able to do. The doctor's voice just drowned out. I couldn't hear anything. I just kept nodding my head and left.

When I got home, Snake was waiting for me. As soon as he saw me, he asked me if everything was okay. Was it? No. It wasn't. The shock had grown...building to a blinding rage.

I slapped him so hard that his neck snapped back.

"What the fuck, man?"

"You fucking gave me Herpes! You piece of shit. You sonofabitch! I HATE YOU!"

I kept hitting him and beating him. He was trying to shield his face.

"How could you do this to me? You cheated on me? How could you? You didn't even have the fucking deceny to wear a condom? Why didn't you wear one? You bastard! I hate you! I hate you!"

Tears were flowing. Sobs escaped. My hands were hurting.

"Man, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"How could you be so stupid? So careless?"

"Babe, please. You are scaring me. What are you talking about?"

"How dare you sit here and lie to my face? Tell me the truth. When did you sleep with someone else? Who was she?"

"Nah babe, no one else. Only you. What's going on?"

"Stop lying, Snake. Just tell me. When did you fuck her?

"What? No. Babe, stop. Please."

He stood and tried to hug me. I shoved him. He stepped back and held his hands up in the air.

"Why? What did I do to you to deserve this???

I threw anything I could get my hands on at him. Glass, cups, dishes, and even a knife. He managed to dodge them until a glass hit the side of his face.

Bitch! Fuck. You know what yeah I cheated. You killed my fucking baby. You thought shit was sweet. He grabbed me, picking me up and banged me against the wall. My legs wrapped around his waist.

"I fucking loved you and you killed my child. Our child. My other bitch. She would never. She wouldn't kill our fucking child.

I started beating his chest. "Fuck you, Snake. Go to hell. You were the only one I ever had unprotected sex with. You are the only one I ever fucked without a condom."

"Yeah so what. You deserve whatever you get for killing my seed."

"You are a piece of shit, Snake. Fuck you."

"Fuck me? No. Fuck you." He started peeling off my clothes.

"You thought shit was sweet? Nah. Not anymore.

He bent me over the couch, spreading my legs.

"Wait, no. No. Don't do this!"

"Shut the fuck up. You are done talking. Not like anyone else gonna want to fuck you now. Guess what I knew the bitch had herpes. Perfect punishment for a baby killer."

He thrust himself inside me, dry and raw. He was hurting me. My cries fell on deaf ears.

He grabbed a handful of my hair and jerked my head back.

"I loved you and this is how you repay me? By killing our baby? Nah. That's not happening again. Not with me. You got another thing coming if you think I was going to let you kill my baby, leave me and be with someone else."

He kept pounding into me. He was punishing me.

"Snake, please. I'm sorry. Please."

"No. Shut up. Stop begging bitch. It's not going to change anything."

His thrusts grew harder and harder.

He pulled out and flipped me over onto my back. He ripped the rest of my clothes off. Then his. He was angry. Raging.

He forced himself inside me, making me scream. His fingers were digging into my hips. He was slamming into me so hard that he was bruising me. He was trying to tear me apart. To break me.

"You are going to pay for killing our baby. You are going to suffer. You are mine. Do you hear me? Mine. Mine. MINE! No one else will want you. Ever."

He kept thrusting, his hips slapping against mine.

Tears were flowing from my eyes.

He started biting my shoulders, my nipples, and sucking so hard that it made me scream.

"That's right. Scream. Cry. I'm not stopping. You deserve this. You deserve every bit of this pain."

He pounded harder and faster. My eyes rolled.

"Fuck. You are so wet. So fucking wet."

Wet?? How?? Had to be blood or my body trying to make it less painful. There was no way that I wanted this.

He kept going, slamming himself into me. I could feel him grow. Feel him getting ready to explode.

"Tell me. Tell me you deserve this."

"I-I..."

He slapped me. "Tell me. Or else."

"I...I-deserve this."

He came, shooting his seed deep inside of me. He laid there for a minute before he got up. I tried to move but he stopped me.

"Nah, you gonna lay there and let that nut stay inside. You gonna have my baby."

What had I done. Why had I trusted him. He turned and left. Left me naked, bleeding, bruised, and scared. I had killed the baby we had made and now he was punishing me in the worst ways. Omg. I have herpes. No one else is ever going to want me. I'm stuck with him. I'm stuck with me and I'm empty. Why was this happening to me? I'm a good person. I didn't do anything wrong. I cried. I curled up into a ball. I sobbed. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up hours later to Snake carrying me to the bathroom. He gently set me in the tub and turned the shower on. He slowly washed me. Washed away all the evidence. He didn't talk. He didn't have to. He had hurt me so bad. I had herpes. And he gave it to me intentionally. I hated him and even more I hated myself. I had been so fucking stupid. When we were done, he carried me back to the bed. He tucked me in and told me to get some rest. He said he was going to get us some food and that he would wake me when it was here. I didn't have the strength to fight. I just cried and I slept.

I looked up at Sir as I completed telling him. Telling him that I had herpes. Telling him what Snake had done. Telling him everything.

He stared at me.

I couldn't take the silence.

"Sir, please say something. Anything. Tell me to leave. Tell me that you hate me. Just please, say something."

"Kitten, I..." He sighed and closed his eyes. "You have to understand. It's a lot to process."

"I-I'm sorry.

"Kitten, why are you apologizing?"

"Because it's a lot and I'm sick and no one deserves this. No one."

"Kitten, you are not sick. You have herpes."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Kitten, no." He stood, walked over to me, and placed his hands on either side of my face. He tilted my head up to look him in the eye.

"You did nothing wrong. Nothing. This is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection of a very evil, hateful man. It does not define you or dictate that you cannot be happy...that you are undeserving of pleasure. Do you understand me? This is not your fault."

"I-I...sniff. Yes Sir. Thank you."

"I'm glad we've gotten that out of the way. Now, the question is, what are we going to do about it? I want you. Do you want me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Kiss me."

I hesitated.

"Kiss me kitten. Show me how much you want me."

My lips trembled as they met his. His hands moved down and around to the back of my head and he pulled me close. Our tongues danced. My hands slid up his arms and into his hair. I couldn't get close enough. I didn't want to break away. His kisses were magical.

"You are mine. I am not just going to walk away or run in the other direction. We are in this together. We are going to make the best of this situation and we are going to live the best life that we can.

We are going to see a doctor together. I am going to get informed. I don't know everything about the condition but I do know that it is possible for a positive person and non-positive person to be together and navigate life and the condition together. You are not going to pity yourself or speak of yourself in any way other than highly! Do you understand me kitten?"

"Yes Sir."

"Good girl."

Sir kissed me again. I felt safe and secure in his arms. I felt free. I didn't feel dirty or tainted. I felt whole and worthy. And although it was going to take time, and some work, we would work through it together. He wasn't running away from me in fear or disgust. He wasn't abandoning me like everyone who had come before him. He was leaving me for something that was done to me....that I never chose. He was a good person and he did see me. The real me. And I was worth it to him. He saw me and he wanted me. He made me feel beautiful and desirable. And although I was broken, I knew with him, with his love, and his help, I could be put back together.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Thank you for taking the time to read this story. While the events and characters depicted are purely fictional, the experiences explored within these pages, the disclosure of a herpes diagnosis, the trauma of intentional infection and sexual assault, and the difficult decision surrounding abortion, sadly reflect the realities faced by many individuals.

It's important to understand that herpes is a common sexually transmitted infection (STI) caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). There are two main types: HSV-1, which is often associated with oral herpes (cold sores) but can also cause genital herpes, and HSV-2, which is the primary cause of genital herpes.

Current research is ongoing, with scientists exploring various avenues for a potential cure, including gene therapy and novel antiviral treatments. While a cure is not yet available, significant advancements have been made in managing the virus.

Antiviral medications are highly effective in treating herpes outbreaks, reducing their severity and duration. Suppressive therapy, which involves taking antiviral medication daily, can significantly reduce the frequency of outbreaks and, importantly, lower the risk of transmission to sexual partners.

When someone with genital herpes uses condoms consistently and is on suppressive therapy, the transmission rate to a susceptible partner is significantly reduced. While it's difficult to provide exact, universally agreed-upon percentages, studies have shown that consistent condom use alone can reduce transmission risk by a significant margin, and suppressive therapy adds an additional layer of protection, further lowering the chances of passing the virus on.

It's crucial to acknowledge that statistics regarding STIs, including herpes, often reveal significant disparities within communities. While comprehensive, specific data for the African American and Latino communities regarding transmission rates with proactive protection and suppression can be limited, general STI prevalence rates often show higher numbers in these communities due to a complex interplay of factors including systemic inequities in healthcare access, socioeconomic factors, and historical injustices that contribute to health disparities.

Specifically concerning African American women, data consistently indicates a disproportionately higher prevalence of STIs, including herpes, compared to other groups. This highlights the urgent need for culturally competent education, accessible testing, and comprehensive sexual health services within these communities.

The story also touches upon the devastating reality of spousal or boyfriend/girlfriend rape, often referred to as intimate partner sexual violence. It's vital to remember that rape by a partner is a crime, and help is available.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, including by a partner, please know that you are not alone and there are resources available to help. You can reach out to the following organizations for support and information:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE or visit their website at . They offer a national hotline and online resources for survivors of sexual violence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit . This hotline provides support and resources for individuals experiencing domestic violence, which can include sexual assault.

Local rape crisis centers: These centers offer counseling, support groups, and advocacy for survivors of sexual assault. You can find local resources through RAINN's website.

For individuals navigating a herpes diagnosis, the following resources can provide information, support, and community:

American Sexual Health Association (ASHA): offers comprehensive information about herpes and other STIs, as well as support resources.

Herpes Opportunity: is an online community and resource for people living with herpes.

Support groups: Many local and online support groups exist where individuals can connect with others who understand their experiences. You can often find these through ASHA or your healthcare provider.

For support and information regarding abortion, the following resources are available:

National Abortion Federation (NAF): 1-800-772-9100 or visit . They offer a hotline and resources for abortion care and support.

Planned Parenthood: provides a wide range of reproductive healthcare services, including abortion, and offers support and information.

Finally, I want to implore you, the reader, to please be kind. The issues explored in this story carry immense stigma, often leading to shame, isolation, and a reluctance to seek help. The person facing these challenges could be your friend, your sister, your daughter, your neighbor. Society's judgment can be a heavy burden, and often, the most powerful thing we can offer is grace and compassion. Let us strive to create a world where individuals feel safe and supported, regardless of their experiences.

This story is a work of fiction, but the emotions and challenges faced by the characters may mirror the real-life situations of many. Let us approach each other with understanding and empathy.