The Chameleon of Control: Faith, Trust, and the Color of Dominance

Author’s note: The following interview was conducted as a written exchange as part of my creative research process for my novel The First Collar*. The Dominant interviewed chose to remain anonymous. Adult themes ahead. All activities described are consensual and grounded in informed, negotiated dynamics.*

I did not meet him in person. Our conversation unfolded via e-mail, quiet as blue hour. He talked about power like a color you can wear, temperature you can feel. What follows is our Q&A, organized by theme. I smoothed only for readability while keeping his words and meaning intact. ✨

The Color of Power

How do you define Dominance in your own words? What does it feel like when you’re “on”? To me, Dominance has always been hard to pin down into words because there are not enough of them to properly describe it. I’ve described myself as a sort of chameleon when acting as a Dominant. I blend into the environment that a submissive brings to me, changing colors and textures to become what they need me to be. Sometimes that is a Daddy figure, sometimes a disciplinarian, sometimes a caretaker, sometimes a cruel sadist. When in that Dom mood it’s like putting on another color of myself that doesn’t always get to exist. Imagine it like an emoji. The shape is the same, but the color is different. 🤙🤙🤙🤙🤙🤙 There’s a certain excitement that... For me it is one person having a sort of faith in another, so much so that they can freely give themselves over to trusting in them. Obviously the deeper the trust, the deeper the Dominance.

Are you a lifestyle 24/7 Dominant, scene-only, or somewhere between? What does a typical week look like? It truly depends on the person, but I exist somewhere in between. There are some submissives in my life who want a 24/7 dynamic and, in some respects, we have that. However, I’m at a place in my life where I need a certain amount of boundaries set, which is why I clock in at 10 a.m. and out at midnight. My enforcement of that boundary has been rather lackluster lately, but I’m working on it lol. There are others who I will just have a fun scene with, and that’s that. There’s no such thing as a typical week for me, really, but I try to plan as much out as possible. I have a whiteboard calendar that is color coded to tell who has what when. I may go see one person perform at an event, then spend the night with another having fun. I may go have lunch to bring one person out of a depressive funk or take one to the airport or pick someone up from work, etc. Not all just sex and fun, but support to help build them into a better version of themselves.

What titles do you prefer in your dynamic? Why those titles? I tend to prefer Daddy, as a Daddy Dom lol. Sir tends to get used a lot in initial meetings before we’ve established anything. For submissives I tend to be very particular with names. One of my generalized rules is to put respect on our names lol. They each have their own unique pet name or identifier with me that I will only use with them while with them. I’ve recycled one or two once they are out of a dynamic with me. If they come back for whatever reason there’s a different pet name to signify a new beginning, no going backwards.

How long have you been practicing? Who mentored or shaped you?I started to properly explore the world of kink around 7 to 8 years ago. I had always been interested but finally reached a point where I was ready and couldn’t deny myself any longer. There was no one who specifically mentored or shaped me, but there have been a couple of Masters and Doms whose brains I’ve been able to pick over the years to get some insights good and bad. Truthfully the kind of Dominant I am has been more shaped by long conversations with submissives about issues with their Doms and partners than anything. Specifically, in dealing with scene players who have been abandoned or left deep in the throes of sub drop. Finding out what happens to a sub when not properly taken care of is an eye opener unlike any other truly.

What does your current dynamic look like? Collared partner, multiple partners, casual scenes, service dynamics? I am polyamorous and so are the subs that I deal with. I operate in a state of solo poly. Meaning everyone I deal with knows that I am polyamorous and have more than one relationship but we aren’t all sitting around the kitchen table so to speak. For me each relationship is its own unique thing that outside of schedule issues does not affect the others. I have a collared submissive Sunset, a submissive who I play with less frequently who is married and uncollared, but we communicate daily and are working towards a deeper dynamic after some time apart where we ended things, and a third who I have given a collar who I see even more rarely. This is a very rare and unique kind of situation though. Those are the dynamics that I am in unequivocally, but there are the occasional play partners who I might interact with and former subs who I don’t play with anymore at all but whose lives I’m still quite involved in as friends or even one who I have been dancing around a proper dynamic with for a whole host of reasons on both our ends.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how protocol-heavy is your day-to-day? What are three daily protocols you enforce? I’d say a 5 or 6 but it is something that I want to work on increasing for sure. There are only a couple rules or protocols that I have that are enforced daily. One is that we must say good morning and goodnight. To communicate how we start and end a day, whether there are any issues that need to be addressed or schedule problems or anything else. Starts with a good morning and a good night. Some individuals might have daily routines that they need to verify have been done. That typically occurs around bedtime. Performance of nightly routines may include a picture of supplies for the next day as they are prepped, but that is individual rather than specific to me generally.

What are your top three values as a Dominant? My rule number one with EVERYONE regardless of how we develop is complete and open honesty. None of us can truly get what we want without it, and it saves us from a lot of headaches at the end of the day. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, but it hasn’t steered me wrong so far. Two is what I call The Prime Directive. This is what supersedes any rules that I might impose on a submissive and what I believe should guide them no matter what. You MUST care for and protect yourself at all times even if that means from Daddy. This may seem antithetical to Dominance, but if nothing else I’m meant to improve a submissive and their care and protection should be their chief responsibility whether I am there or not. Third is one that I am trying to learn more myself, which is that it is NOT my job to control a sub, but to UNLEASH them. This is counterintuitive as a Dominant but makes sense in practice. People are not robots and do not operate by remote control. It is their job to control themselves. I can lead, I can guide and give instruction, but the choice to perform is up to them. The choice to follow my direction, to accept the path I lay out before them is up to them. It’s my job to give them the space and the framework to become that ultimate version of their submissive selves.

What is your ethical framework? How do you apply it? I tend to bounce between SSC as a general practice and RACK where more extreme kinks are concerned. Be aware of the risks we’re undertaking and desiring and go from there to try to avoid those pitfalls. You can’t consent if you’re not aware of them, so I try to be as upfront about as much as possible and talk past the fantasy in their head to get to the reality. That can turn some people off, but it is quite necessary.

The Prime Directive

Walk me through your pre-scene negotiation. What details do you gather and how? Typically, before playing or meeting in general I’ll have extensive discussions about what a submissive is looking for. Type of dynamic, specific kinks, health history etc. With submissives whom I have an established dynamic with, things take a more long-term arc. So rather than individual scene negotiations I’m looking for the long-term path that we are taking and individual goals that we are working toward or exploring within such. I do monthly check-ins as equals to ensure that we are still on the same page there. When they come to see me for some personal attention or play time, before they pass the threshold of my door we stop and discuss their stay with me, if there are any specific limits that we need to add to our standing ones, any health or physical issues that have arisen that I should be aware of, or anything that they don’t want to touch. Then I go over our safety protocols, safewords and such before we go off and have fun.

What does informed consent mean to you in kink? To me informed consent means that all parties have the relevant and crucial information necessary to be able to make a decision and agree to any specific activity. Whether that be health status, relationship status, potential dangers and pitfalls, etc.

What are your personal non-negotiables? First is don’t lie to me. There’s nothing that I believe can’t be figured out, so lying to me is a no go. I give A LOT of grace to plan or to adjust and give a lot of leeway, so there’s no need for it imo. Second is consistent testing, especially if playing with others. I do so every 3 months like clockwork. I expect at the very least a consistent schedule and to be informed of any issues or worries that might arise, just so I can keep informed and we can figure out what needs to be done safety wise.

Consent, Negotiation, and the Signal to Go

How do you verify active consent when your partner is shy or eager to please? This can be a difficult thing to do. With one of my partners, she is a submissive, sometimes she can get into those shy modes. So typically, I will wait until there is a clear sign of what she is wanting. Often instead of outright saying it she will text me using invisible ink saying what she wants, which then gives me the green light in a more clear way when I’m unsure.

What safewords and signals do you use? How do you handle a partner who goes nonverbal? I prefer the stoplight method as it is simple and easy to understand for everyone. Red means everything stops and we discuss what went wrong or is going wrong. Yellow means slow down, I’m reaching my limits and need a check in. Green means everything is good to go.

Do you ever play if someone has been drinking or using substances? If yes, what rules do you follow? Only with people who I’ve been in a long term dynamic, in which we’ve actually discussed their use of alcohol or weed and what they’re comfortable with under those circumstances. I won’t play with anyone who is using anything harder than that. I’ve turned down subs who were intoxicated, if they’re beyond understanding or because I could clearly tell they were not in a decent headspace. Instead, I will make sure they’re safe and comfortable to get sober to figure out what’s going on that led them there.

What are your partner’s current hard and soft limits? How have those evolved? They have all fluctuated over the years. One, for example, started off with just things that were relatively common. No blood, scat, knives, needles, etc., or physical limits like hands couldn’t be held above her head for too long due to an old injury, nonlatex condoms due to an allergy. But eventually we had to include no visible marks or bruising once she became a schoolteacher, which was very sad for the both of us as marks and hickeys on the breasts and neck were a favorite of ours. Others have expanded and have wanted to explore watersports or cumplay. All just depends on how the dynamic developed.

Risk, Safety, and the Long Game

What medical information do you ask about before play? As previously stated, STI results are number one. If they have any physical limitations that I should know about, allergies, or chronic conditions. Several subs I have played with have those and I need to know how they can affect our play times. Latex allergy, for example, will dictate the kind of condoms that can be used. Pain or joint issues may dictate positions or activities, or if there are any specific injuries that have occurred that I should be aware of.

What do you keep in your emergency kit? I keep a couple. One in my room with the rest of my hanging toys on a rack on the back of the door. I also have one that would travel with me in the trunk of my car. If I was going to a session away from home, I have one that goes with my travel pack.

What is your STI testing cadence and barrier policy? Every 3 months like clockwork. Condoms are in use as a standard practice with occasional play partners. With my subs, raw sex can be had only with consistent testing and shared results. I expect a closed loop, meaning that outside of myself or a husband all play will happen safely.

How do you check a partner’s hydration, nutrition, and energy before a scene? Depends on the scene. Most of my play is with those who I have an established dynamic with, so we are rarely just diving in. We have spent some time together relaxing, talking or eating and enjoying each other’s company, or they have spent the night with me, so these specific things are more controllable for me.

What marks or injuries are acceptable in your dynamic? What is off-limits and why? It’s different for each one. For one of my submissive partners, bruises are the goal as her body doesn’t bruise easily at all. Hickeys and love bites though the more the merrier. With the teacher I mentioned earlier we eliminate the marks that are visible outside of standard clothes, but underneath we have gone full black and blue bruising and marks but no blood. With yet another sub, she too doesn’t want easily visible marks as her home life is COMPLEX to say the least, but for her scratches, bruises, bleeding, scars, marks, cuts, etc., are all gladly welcomed. Nothing for me is specifically off limits unless I don’t believe I can do or manage it safely, so I won’t take things to the point of broken bones or burns or anything like that.

What does aftercare look like for you in the first hour, the first day, and the days that follow? Aftercare for me most typically looks like cuddling, my personal favorite. We’ll clean up together, go pee, get some water, then wind down and relax together. I will check for any immediate injuries and dress them if necessary. The next day I’ll double check for any developing injuries, bruising, scarring, pains etc. I’ll also try to do a debrief, checking to see how they felt about the session and if there is any mental anguish or drop that comes up. I’ll check more sporadically over the next week or so. For my own sake I will write about the session to debrief myself and keep any session notes on training or progress that was made or needs to be made.

How do you recognize and handle sub drop or Dom drop?Recognizing it can be rather difficult, especially if you don’t know your sub like the back of your hand. Changes in communication or tone, major swings in attitude and temperament, all signs. The most intense that I’ve seen had been from others who were abandoned by the Dom that they were playing with and called me to specifically help them with their sub drop. So sometimes it’s simply that they tell you what’s happening. Dom drop can be even worse because recognizing it in yourself is hard when you like to believe that you’ve gotten it all together. The one major moment where I was dropping, it was because I was feeling like a monster. I felt like she couldn’t tell that what I was doing was pretend and not real and I started to freak out a bit, so safeworded and asked for some reassurance.

Training and the Shape of Care

What does “training” mean in your dynamic? What skills do you teach? For me training has been a tough cookie to manage as I have some perfectionist tendencies, so developing a proper plan has been something of a mission for me. In truth training doesn’t need to be that complicated. It simply means to teach and instruct on expected behaviors and or protocols for action. Things like how you wish to be addressed, how I would like them to position themselves for certain activities, hand signals to be able to communicate in any situation. How to perform best and serve me in essence.

How do you distinguish between training, correction, and punishment? Training is teaching, instruction. Correction is building on that teaching or improvement. Punishment is reserved for when those teachings have been disregarded or ignored.

What would a first-month training plan look like with someone new? The first months are for understanding and getting to properly know a sub. Their schedule, habits, tendencies, desires etc. Teaching them the most basic of rules that everything else would be built on. It’s not too intensive but more of an appetizer than anything. That will look like A LOT of communication. Play sessions ideally would be limited to a few to manage frenzy, but all of us can fall victim to that.

What is your feedback style? How do you praise or redirect effectively? I tend to be gentle with feedback in the way of a teacher or a coach.

Do you use journals, forms, or checklists? What do you ask your partner to log? Journals are actually VERY big for me personally. I’ve written in one every day for nearly 2 years now. I tend to give them as gifts and have on occasion asked a sub to write about something specific. An easier option that I use is a shared note. That can house our rules, any specific information like allergens, limits, etc. For some I have used a note as a space for a sub to share things that they are not comfortable with saying to me directly but want me to know. In those instances, a key would be used to explain whether this is something to be broached, or lightly, or not at all.

What cues tell you someone is ready for more intensity? What cues tell you to slow down? A lot of this is reading a person, but with more feel than anything. Kinda like Braille. Often times those who want more intensity will ask for it, but sometimes they will give more heightened arousal signs, more moans, pushing their body into position, giddy behavior or more aggression of their own. The opposite is also true. Withdrawing, clamming up, silence. Distraction, etc. If you know your sub well the signs will be quite clear.

How do you use sexual denial or forced orgasm as tools? When do you avoid them?I don’t personally use them much as tools specifically. I will deny orgasm or playtime when I want a heightened reaction specifically, but that is rare and under specific conditions.

Tools, Gear, and Technique

What implements do you prefer and why? I have soooo many it’s insane. My favorites are a red leather paddle that was one of my firsts and a set of custom rug beaters and a matching quirt that I had made by an artisan. The paddle gives a nice pop, and the rug beaters are heavier and give lovely swirl marks. The quirt is probably the most masterful implement I own, so I use it when I want that control aspect.

What is your warm-up process before going heavy? I tend to start off with hands only, warming the body up if I’m spanking for fun. If not, I can go straight for the heavy play since I am naturally heavy handed.

How do you aim and place strikes? What anatomy rules do you follow? I tend to aim for as fleshy a spot as possible, avoiding any thin or bony areas. I also avoid any spots that aren’t protected by the body naturally like the stomach or kidneys.

Do you tie rope? If yes, what safety principles matter most?Yes, I do, but not nearly enough, and I need much more practice. I always keep a set of safety shears in my emergency kit just in case and do not constrict any area necessary for breathing freely too heavily.

Do you ever use breath play? If yes, what safeguards do you enforce? I will engage in choking and some restriction while deep throating aka gagging play. I won’t let any breath restriction go on for more than a few moments at a time, monitoring their consciousness and breathing during break moments. No crushing of the windpipe, but squeezing of the sides is standard.

How do you approach sensory play such as wax, ice, blindfolds, or sound control? Sensory play, I try to take as slow as possible. Especially if depriving any senses. As the others become heightened the sensations they create are so intense you have to monitor the receiver much closer. I prefer to test their reaction to one sense and then go from there when adding and subtracting others.

What lube types do you prefer for different activities? I tend to default to the preferences of the sub when it comes to lubricant. Each has her own choices and needs. Silicone for anal tends to go a VERY long way in my experience.

Psychology and Power

How do you build trust with a partner who has a trauma history? This can be tricky, but in my life I have learned that functional trust is the key to building trust with people who have had harder than normal lives. Essentially it means to be the person that you say you are. Do that with consistency and clarity and they will eventually be able to look past their trauma and pain and begin to believe in the person that you are, rather than the person their past expects.

What myths or misconceptions harm new submissives or new Dominants? That there is a ONE TRUE WAY for anything at all. There are guidelines and rules and best practices no doubt, but EVERYTHING must be taken with a grain of salt and customized to the individuals and unique time, place, and scenario that you are in. For new subs I would say the belief that Doms naturally know more than them and should be respected as an authority on anything without proving their knowledge is the most harmful thing. For new Doms the belief that submissives should just fall at your feet merely because of the title you bestowed on yourself is not only harmful but VERY foolhardy and will set back their growth and understanding of submissives by miles.

How do you deliver humiliation safely for someone who desires it? Most of the time, I have found that subs who want humiliation will be VERY direct about that fact and quite specific about what they want. They will ask leading questions that tell you what to say and do to them that they will love. From there it almost becomes following a script. Ensuring that they are in a decent headspace for that however is tricky, which again comes down to knowledge of your submissive and their lives and tendencies.

Where is your personal line with degradation or name-calling? There’s no real line as to what I will deliver verbally, or at least I haven’t found it just yet. I will try to gauge a sub’s mentality and take into account their lives and what they’re going through to try not to hit too close to real life home if I can though. I don’t like to be degraded or disrespected personally myself.

How do you stay grounded while your partner is in subspace?Typically, it’s not hard for me, as it feels rather natural for me to be dealing with someone in that state, so I don’t even think about it. Just perform.

What runs through your head during an intense scene? What do you monitor moment by moment? If it’s particularly good my brain will sort of run automatically, in a sort of flow state where the plans that I had going into the scene are playing out and I can sort of just relax into it and react. Sometimes the plan gets completely thrown out of the window for even better however, so tracking what’s best for the MOMENT rather than what the plan was is the major thing. The others being pleasure, energy, and emotional cues.

What red flags make you end a scene early? How do you handle the exit? I’ve ended scenes early for multiple reasons. When the stated goals of a scene and the emotional reality of a person become completely disconnected, for example. I once had a former sub who was finally ready to play again after a breakup and could quickly tell that they were not connecting in the way they once were, so stopped things and she quickly broke down in tears, not quite ready to move on. I told her quite openly that we don’t have to do this. We should take a break and reevaluate. Or when I have found myself crossing a line into a space I don’t want to go. I had a sub once brat a bit too close to the sun and say something I felt she had no right to in order to get a reaction out of me. That reaction started to feel more real than I wanted, so I stopped the scene altogether and took a moment to gather myself, explaining after a while why I’d reacted the way that I did.

Relationship Architecture

Do you practice exclusivity or non-monogamy? How do you protect emotional safety in your structure? I’m non-monogamous. Emotional boundaries are something I DEFINITELY need to work more on. But one thing is taking mental health days where the phone is completely off and I’m out of touch for 24 hours. Few and far between. Another is that I have hours that are just for myself. Daddy clocks in at 10a and out at 12a every night.

How do you manage jealousy when it arises? I try to address it head on by keeping things as individualistic as possible. Each relationship is unique and has its own unique patterns and foibles and should be cared for as such. I try to give them no reason to feel jealousy at all. But it can happen. I myself don’t feel jealousy in that way at all.

What kinds of service outside the bedroom matter most to you? I tend to care for myself in a hyper independent way. So, when a sub will go out of their way to ease a burden on my shoulders...

How do you introduce a partner to your community? Depends on the audience. I try to explain without exposing, which typically means a lot of saying it’s complicated. Sometimes it means letting people come to their own conclusions and not defining the relationship for outsiders at all.

Ceremony and Symbolism

What does a first collar mean to you? Do you mark it with ceremony? A collar to me represents a commitment. It’s saying that I am choosing to commit to this dynamic to whatever ends that it may reach. I haven’t personally marked it with ceremony as it’s the action that follows that’s important.

What do you think belongs in a written contract and what does not? I don’t personally do contracts, but I would expect a formalized structure with expectations, duties, rules, and regulations.

What makes a punishment ethical? What makes it cross the line? So long as the punishment had a clear cause of action to consequence, then I believe we are ethical. If the punishment takes the turn of being unclear where a sub can’t directly say why they are being punished (even if it’s just for fun) and how to correct or address it, then I THINK it crosses a line.

What marks or symbols of ownership do you prefer? How do you negotiate visibility? Personal ones. Hickeys and love bites are HUGE for me and mine. Wearables like collars, or jewelry, bracelets or symbolic tokens are rather huge too. By gauging what environments they will be in upcoming and scaling up or down from there.

Community and Culture

What makes a club, dungeon, or social space feel safe? In the social spaces that I have been a part of, the most important thing was feeling invited in. Like there was a community that wanted you there rather than a place and people that were standoffish.

Cnc, Public Play, and Group Dynamics

How do you approach CNC play? What safeguards must be in place? CNC has been something of a specialty for me. My approach, like with all things, depends on the individual. Generally, I start with attempting to find out EXACTLY what the sub means when they say they want CNC. One hundred subs will mean one hundred different things even if they’re using the same words. Some want to recreate a specific event, in which case I will ask for as much detail as they are comfortable with. Some want to be Free Use and so we’ll discuss those parameters of use and the outer bounds of that. Some want to explore Somno or sleep play and so we’ll discuss what that means for them as well as me. In all things, and especially with CNC, there needs to be a way to stop things when it becomes too much or too intense, so safewords are in full effect. Intensity is discussed, as that can be a MAJOR factor. It’s rather like spice levels at a restaurant. Some want scorching and some mild. Knowing which is imperative. For my own sanity I like acknowledgement after the fact that they recognize it’s not real. The only time I have ever safeworded myself was because of that.

How do you protect a partner from next-day shame or regret after public or semi-public play? I don’t know that there is a way to protect a partner from feeling that shame or regret if they should feel it, but I can be there to help them through those issues. Ensuring that I can check in with them the day after play and work on any problems that may have surfaced. Most of the time those who I have played in public with are VERY into that specific aspect, so negative feelings there have tended to be rarer for me.

How do you structure pre-briefs and debriefs for group scenes?I don’t really do group scenes. I have been a part of group play facilitated by other Doms, but it’s not REALLY my thing.

Health and Sustainability

How do you time scenes around menstrual cycles, migraines, or chronic conditions? Chronic health conditions can be a tough one. Many of the submissives that I have dealt with have them to varying degrees. Timing fun times around them can be tricky, but it’s like any other obstacle or pitfall. A scene may cancel because of obligations to the kids, or work, or traffic, or anything else that’s unforeseen. You manage best you can and deal with whatever health issues pop up as they arrive. There are some which are even aided by play time. I’ve never had an issue playing through a menstrual cycle, for example, and orgasm is known to help with cramps. Takes a few more precautions but stops nothing but a sentence as the old saying goes.

Ethics and Boundaries

Where do you draw the line between dominance and abuse?The line lies between consent and intent. If I consent to someone hitting me twice it’s not abusive, but if they continue 3, 4 times against my will that’s abuse. Simultaneously I believe that the intention of a person goes a long way. Ignorance of a line does not necessarily equate to abuse. There are times when people have unknowingly crossed a boundary that I didn’t even know that I had or vice versa, I’m sure. This is a natural consequence of discovery and experimentation. It’s not intentional or someone’s fault when these things happen. Just happens.

Have you ever crossed one of your own boundaries? How did you repair it? Yes, I violate my own boundaries around my time, around how much of myself that I give, around all sorts of things. Was in therapy for it and I’m working on it.

How do you help protect newcomers from predators? By attempting to warn them of the pitfalls that come along with this life and particularly with the people that are in it. I have given advice, instruction, warnings, and even cleaned up the messes of mistakes.

What is your privacy policy on photos, videos, and recordings?No faces unless agreed to, nothing is to be posted without consent of all within prior to posting. Other than that, enjoy and have fun. I have helped people with recording for sale, pictures for boudoir photos, and everything in between.

For The Book

What mistakes do books and movies make most often about Dominants? The biggest mistake is showing us in the light they do. Every movie Dom is just abusive with extra steps. They tend to show us as all controlling and abusive and dark, when most of us can be loving, caring, tender, and quite collaborative with those under our power.

What scene or activity would you love to see portrayed accurately that usually gets written wrong? Negotiation or even just initial meetings of a submissive and a Dom that didn’t show the Dom as obsessive and stalkery.

What did I miss that you think I should ask?This feels like it was thorough and quite extensive really.

Auhor'sClosing Reflection

Power is a color wheel and a pulse. In his telling, Dominance is less about holding a leash and more about holding a standard. It asks for radical honesty, self-protection as the Prime Directive, and the discipline to listen for what is real rather than what is merely hot. Thank you for your time, your care, and your willingness to share the unpolished truth. Your wisdom will echo through the pages of my novel and offer steadier footing to readers learning this language of trust. 🌒